


coffee

by breakfreefromthevoicesinmyhead



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Caffeine, Caffeine Addiction, Coffee, Cold, Emotional Hurt, Heartless - Freeform, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, I Tried, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love, M/M, Obsession, Obsessive Behavior, Oneshot, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Suicide, Unrequited Love, What Was I Thinking?, Why Did I Write This?, harmful obsession, i can say im a bad person, i feel so fucked up tbh, jilix, plz do mind these tags, triggering, wrote in 15 minutes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-20 08:19:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18988843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breakfreefromthevoicesinmyhead/pseuds/breakfreefromthevoicesinmyhead
Summary: Felix is just intoxicated. Or maybe obsessed.





	coffee

**Author's Note:**

> WARNIG : PLEASE TAKE THE TAGS SERIOUSLY!
> 
> Like, this one shot could be a lot triggering.
> 
> And please, this is pure fiction.
> 
> Also, I welcome all kinds of critisism.
> 
> Also, if you want to read more of these kinds of oneshots (even though you may not want to) or oneshots in any other genre, you can comment any Got7 or Stray Kids ship down below along with the genre and maybe even a storyline you want the oneshot to follow.
> 
> Genres I probably can't write:  
> Smut  
> Action 
> 
> Thank you for reading!! I hope you like this fucked up creation of my fucked up mind!! (Yeah, I do admit it.) 
> 
> Also, you might say I'm a horrible person to write this one shot, aren't I?

Felix smiled as the sweet scent of coffee reached his nostrils as soon as he opened the mini packet of coffee.

Caffeine.

If you ask what his favorite scent was he would say coffee.

If you ask what his favorite color was he would point at coffee.

There was something infatuating about coffee and what actually caffeine in any form does to him. Highly caffeinated chocolates, caffeinated drinks (even though they weren't what he actually liked) made him feel a different way.

It didn't matter as long as the caffeine ran through his veins like a drug which made him so high that he could just forget the world existed.

Well, that's how he ended up ripping up 4 of the coffee powder packets before he emptied them into the blender. Yes, the sweet taste was nice - but the bitter taste was something out of the world. Or maybe it was again just the satisfaction that caffeine made him feel. But Felix's mind stopped as his mom entered the kitchen and started shouting. 

"Oh my god! Felix! What were you thinking?! That's just too much coffee powder!! Do you seriously want to DIE?!!!?!"

Oh, well. Maybe at this point he could actually die.

Caffeine reminded him of something. Someone. It was just the right amount of sweet to make him feel fuzzy but also just as - or even more - bitter to make him feel suffocated yet satisfied with how it felt. It made everything easy, but harder to handle and explain and get over and.....

Felix was obsessed. Obsessed with the caffeine. Obsessed with the boy who made him high. Just like he couldn't get enough of caffeine even if he died, he couldn't get enough of the slightly dark brown haired boy even if he had to suffocate himself to death under the burden of his growing feelings.

The feelings growing so much that maybe it was killing him. It was becoming unhealthy. The obsession was becoming so unhealthy. But could anyone blame Felix for it? Oh, sure. Chan would always find a way to blame him, like he always did. He remembers when last year Chan had called him to a corner in the class to talk. He didn't seemed worried though. He just seemed annoyed. He snapped at Felix saying that he was getting obsessed over the boy. But Felix, more than admitting, shut him off saying that he wasn't obsessed, he was addicted. Just like a person gets addicted to drugs..... But this was better than drugs at some point.

Han Jisung just somehow managed to make him so intoxicated. Even though he hurt him and broke him to pieces, he would still stay by Jisung's side. It no longer mattered how Jisung had a crush on Minho, or how confused he was about his feelings towards Hyunjin. It just didn't matter. What mattered to Felix was that whenever Jisung wanted help, advice, or just wanted to get things out of his system he would always go to Felix in the end or even start at Felix in most cases. Maybe he regretted that time when he took advice from Hyunjin, back then a new student and also Jisung's new crush, about his friendship with Minho.

Just how Felix wanted Jisung to be his.... But he knew, Jisung's heart didn't belong to him. Just like he could get lost in the strong scent of coffee, but couldn't make it his own.

He didn't hesitate to empty a few more packets of coffee powder after his mom just sighed at him and left muttering something around the words - 'What do I do with this boy, he might actually better die. At least I won't have to take care of his ass anymore.' 

At this Felix just smiled. Nothing he couldn't handle. Well, it wasn't his mom's fault. He was just a faggot - what a shame he turned out to be like his father who abandoned him 14 years ago when he was just a four year old kid who couldn't even understand why his dad never came back home. Why his mother started drinking every night saying bad things about his papa.

Oh, and that wasn't all. His mom had to deal with his psychotic side - as she liked to call it. But what fault was it if Felix's that he had a weak heart. Too weak that he could combust any second. Too weak, that he was obsessed unhealthily. To caffeine. To Jisung. Even though it hurt he couldn't stop thinking about him and that just made his depression worst.

One might talk about how Jisung felt inferior about his body, his looks, his voice... But no one could ever see past through Felix's eyes. Those eyes that told a hundred stories of hurt, of disbelief, of..... weakness. Of insecurity bubbling inside his chest that it was drowning him - just like the feeling of caffeine affecting his mind and body. Well, it just felt like Jisung.

And it was just so Felix to sneak in some small typed notes into Chan and Jisung's bags for the last three weeks because he didn't want to face them, talk to them normally for the last time.

It hurt him to see Jisung straight up ignoring him. It hurt him to hear those bitter words leave Chan's lips. It hurt when Jisung texted him asking him why he kept stalking him. It hurt when Chan didn't text him. Felix knew it was the last time. Because by the start of the new week, by Monday, tomorrow, everything would be changed. He won't obsess over Jisung - he would miss him though. He would miss Chan too - but it won't hurt as much as before.

It was nearing 12 a.m. Most of the lights in the house were off, including the lights in Felix's mom's room which were usually on till 3 a.m. Oh, his mom must have felt so tired. It's not easy being a single mother and working extra shifts even on the weekends.

Felix slowly but surely made his way to the kitchen and to the refrigerator in the kitchen making sure he didn't trip over anything or make any sound. He picked up his mug full of cold coffee he had made an hour or two ago and retraced his steps.

He drank his coffee as he looked through his Instagram feed. He didn't flinch at the bitter taste of too much coffee - he was used to it. Whenever he had a bad time, he would make sure to sneak in some extra coffee powder in his coffee without anyone noticing.

He knew it was enough. He logged out of all social networking sites and removed all the locks from his iPhone. He set it aside, turning off the regular morning alarms for the next day.

He knew he won't be able to sleep - but he knew he could push himself to do so.

He thought about how the new sun will rise. But immediately pushed that thought away because god, he knew it was just the earth's rotation and he just saw the same sun everyday.

It didn't take much time till the temperature started rising above than normal. He could feel the caffeine running through his veins like he has never before. His head hurt. He jolted due to the sudden pain in his stomach, in his abdomen, and in his heart - but it felt good. The pressure, slowly but surely, was increasing. He felt something clawing on his throat, it choked him, but he felt good. He has never felt this good before.

If Chan was kinda toxic and Jisung intoxicating, then the caffeine certainly was both. And the pleasure it gave him was better than imaginable.

He shut his eyes to the feeling of choking, pain, pleasure, but overall a satisfaction that no one would feel bad, no one has to see him everyday, no one will hate him anymore...

When the next sun would rise...

 

He won't simply see it. 

How satisfying to him.

But before he decided to shut his eyes, he didn't expect this.

He didn't expect her mom to come to him at 4 a.m. and kiss his forehead and cheeks talking about how she always wanted to protect him, how she loved him.

He didn't expext Chan to send him a text at 3:30 a.m. saying he was sorry, he was wrong, he didn't mean to push hum down, let him down, and that he never wished to leave Felix on his own.

And he didn't expect Jisung to be so intoxicated to Felix, that he'd upload a whole 10 minute song on 3Racha's, their musical group's, YouTube channel solely dedicated to his Felix and confess that he loved him. More than anything.

More than coffee. More than caffeine. More than sugar. More than himself. More than the feeling of being intoxicated.

Felix didn't expect this. 

And they even never expected of Felix to stay asleep, body laying lifeless on his bed, even when the sun shone bright, even when his life was going to brighten back up.

But he just didn't know that.

The poison consumed him.

The poison that hurt but was more comfortable than life itself.

The poison he probably shouldn't have taken.

But he didn't know.

And they didn't know either.

Felix showed it.

But they were too late to understand....

That he was poisoned.

That he was intoxicated.

That the thing he loved the most.... would kill him gradually. Or overnight.


End file.
